Pictures of friends kids, familys kids...
I don't think I'll ever have a child...
I don't know why I feel this way. Just a nagging voice I have always carried inside of me telling me it will never happen in my life. It's not that I don't want to, or don't want to try...I just don't think my body is equipt to ever handle pregnancy.
It used to be that I didn't want a child. I was terrified of being a mother. I've never been around kids. I was always the youngest in our teensy family. I never even held a baby until I was 18 and my best friend popped one out. I didn't know what to do with Octavin when he was placed in my arms. I thought I would break him, that his head was going to just pop off like one of my barbie dolls (that would have orgies) I had growing up.
When I was a little girl, I didn't carry around dolls. I didn't play dress up or pretend I was a mommy. I didn't braid hair, put on makeup, have any desire to be a princess. I didn't plan a wedding out or look at white dresses and dream of one day being a bride.There wasn't one 'girly' bone in my body. All I knew how to do was jump on my bike, scrpe up my knees, play with hot wheels, legos, jump on the trampoline and play basketball in the front yard.
So when I got married, it wasn't that surprising that I didn't care about the dress, the cake, the flowers, the colors. I just wanted to say 'I do'. My dad asked me what I wanted the men to wear and I shrugged and said 'Jeans?'...I didn't have a bachlorette party, a bridal shower. I think I broke my grandmas heart that I just did not care about any of the girly parts of the big day. I even budgeted...LOW. I mean, who the hell in the right mind wants to go into debt over just one day?
It also wasn't surprising the first year, second, third or even SIXTH year that we still didn't have a baby on the way. I didn't want to even think of being responsible for a crying, whining, screaming, pooping creature. I was beyond terrified of labor. Beyond terrified of something being physically or mentally wrong with the child. Plus, I didn't want something fucking with my sleep!
My husband never looked at a child, never acted interested. Never would go near a newborn, hold a newborn, make eye contact with one. I would at least hold a baby, but we mostly agreed on our opinion of children being scary little monsters. We would go to restaurants and get irked at the crying child in the room, or the toddler kicking the seat behind us, or the heathen running around in the store. Our life for the first, hmm, 7-8 years was very anti-baby.
Then Claire came along and stole Davids heart. I remained somewhat closed off, but I did love her. I loved Laura's kids as well. I always 'loved' my friends children. I just loved coming home to a quiet, ADULT home after..
Then I went off the pill due to health reasons. We used the whole 'don't have sex during the week you're fertile' method...For a year it worked well (and well, 2009 we didn't have much sex...for a lot of reasons)
Then Claire was no longer in the picture, but the idea was implanted in our heads..David started smiling at children. We started hearing their cries as sweet instead of headache worthy...We started looking at our dog as *gasp* a dog instead of our furry daughter...We started considering our lives as parents instead of just husband and wife.
Then we met Katie...and life has been drastically different...
But I've been off the pill for 2 years. Lack of sex or not, most people would of at least had an accidental happy oops moment by now. Nothing, nada...
Maybe it's Karma for all those years of thinking children were in fact the devil? All the years of me never having a motherly intuition...Me never playing dolls? Me (to this day) not knowing any Princess names or most Disney fairytale stories?
What happens when two people who used to hate the sound of children, now feel their heart melt on the weekends when they awake to the sound of a 2 year old?
What happens when/if those two people might not be able to have kids? I have no proof on this, only my own 'intuition'...I don't feel like I'll ever be pregnant, I'll ever be a mother, I'll ever be able to create life...Peeing on a stick just confirms what I already know...It will always be negative...
